Do you tend to split the subject from its verb by including many clauses, especially in opening sentences, so you can include as much information as possible (such as this sentence)? Do you use long noun phrases followed by the verb “to be”?
If you do, this can make your writing sound overly complex. Unless you’re drafting a General Assembly resolution, it’s better to keep the subject and verb close together and to choose a strong verb.
Start your opening sentences with a clear, direct message. Put the key message first. Stay concrete; say who is doing what. And use strong verbs instead of the verb “to be”.
Note the weak main verb is in red. Try to change it for a stronger verb and use a short subject.
- The absence of the legal prohibition of incitement to hatred in many domestic legal frameworks around the world is a cause for concern.
- Regarding the matter of your continued participation in the Pension Fund, that decision lies solely with the Pension Fund.
- There is one possibility which we have not considered and that is obtaining extrabudgetary funds for a summer employee.
- Equivalently, recent events such as the war in Europe as of February 2022, rising energy prices, and long delays affecting many raw material supply chains exacerbated investors’ anxiety at home and abroad, and the global equity market dropped by an average of 5%.
Suggested redrafts to create stronger, clearer sentences
- Many domestic legal frameworks worldwide contain no legal prohibition of incitement to hatred, which worries us.
- The Pension Fund alone can decide whether you may continue participating in it.
- We should consider obtaining extrabudgetary funds for a summer employee.
- Recent similar events exacerbated investors’ anxiety at home and abroad, leading to the global equity market dropping by an average 5%. These events included the war in Europe as of February 2022, rising energy prices, and long delays affecting many raw material supply chains.
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Author: Carol Waites
Presentation/editing by Christina O’Shaughnessy
https://worldwidewriting.org/
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Carol Waites (PhD)
Email: carolswritingtips@gmail.com
For more writing tips, consult my website:
https://carolswritingtips.com/writingtips/
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