English follows the “subject – verb – object” word order in sentences that sound natural. All of the Plain English campaigns recommend you adopt this writing technique to sound clear and be easily understood.
Writers can confuse or lose the reader by putting intrusive clauses between the subject and main verb. This is common in opening sentences, where writers feel compelled to squeeze in as much information as possible.
Test yourself
Underline the main subject and main verb in these sentences. Then try to rephrase them to bring the main subject and verb together.
The examples are taken from official websites. The grammar is correct and the sentences are acceptable. But they could be improved to capture and keep the reader’s attention. See if you can identify the word order issues. Then attempt to redraft the sentences.
Example 1
UNECE, through the World Forum for Harmonization of Vehicle Regulations (WP.29) and the UN Road Safety Instruments, is the platform where countries from all around the world gather to jointly develop the regulatory frameworks governing motor vehicles and road traffic. (UNECE website)
Example 2
The report, presented to the Human Rights Council in Geneva, documents how the Government of Daniel Ortega and Rosario Murillo has targeted thousands of Nicaraguans abroad – many who fled the nation following a bloody 2018 crackdown – through a series of severe measures including arbitrary deprivation of nationality, entry bans, denial of passports, confiscation of property, digital surveillance, threats, as well as intimidation and punishment of relatives who remain in Nicaragua. (OHCHR website)
Answer key with intrusive clauses underlined. Then a suggested redraft follows.
Example 1
Intrusive clause underlined: UNECE, through the World Forum for Harmonization of Vehicle Regulations (WP.29) and the UN Road Safety Instruments, is the platform where countries from all around the world gather to jointly develop the regulatory frameworks governing motor vehicles and road traffic.
Suggested redrafts
UNECE is the platform where countries from all around the world gather to jointly develop the regulatory frameworks governing motor vehicles and road traffic. This is through the World Forum for Harmonization of Vehicle Regulations (WP.29) and the UN Road Safety Instruments.
OR
Through the World Forum for Harmonization of Vehicle Regulations (WP.29) and the UN Road Safety Instruments, UNECE is the platform where countries from all around the world gather to jointly develop the regulatory frameworks governing motor vehicles and road traffic. (Very long sentence, so difficult to read, but the word order helps.)
Example 2
(Intrusive clauses underlined)
The report, presented to the Human Rights Council in Geneva, documents how the Government of Daniel Ortega and Rosario Murillo has targeted thousands of Nicaraguans abroad – many who fled the nation following a bloody 2018 crackdown – through a series of severe measures including arbitrary deprivation of nationality, entry bans, denial of passports, confiscation of property, digital surveillance, threats, as well as intimidation and punishment of relatives who remain in Nicaragua. (OHCHR website)
Suggested redraft, breaking up the information into a series of sentences for easier reading
The report was presented to the Human Rights Council in Geneva. It documents how the Government of Daniel Ortega and Rosario Murillo has targeted thousands of Nicaraguans abroad, many of whom fled the nation through a bloody 2018 crackdown. The Government’s severe measures include arbitrary deprivation of nationality, entry bans, denial of passports, confiscation of property, digital surveillance, threats, as well as intimidation and punishment of relatives who remain in Nicaragua.
________________________________________________
Author: Carol Waites
Presentation/editing by Christina O’Shaughnessy
https://worldwidewriting.org/
________________________________________________
Carol Waites (PhD)
Email: carolswritingtips@gmail.com
For more writing tips, consult my website:
https://carolswritingtips.com/writingtips/
To sign up for the newsletter, go here:
https://carolswritingtips.com/
Carol’s memoir of her times at the United Nations, Behind the Flags, is available on Amazon and lulu.com